The Weekend I Marathoned all the Mission: Impossible Films and Became Concerned about Ethan Hunt’s Mental Health

All the Spoilers

Mission: Impossible (1996)

It's so cool how I'm in silhouette on the poster.

It’s so cool how I’m in silhouette on the poster.

I’m so cool and suave and I have no emotional attachments except to my job at the IMF and my father figure/mentor and his young attractive wife, and noooooooooo they ALL betrayed me!

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Still on the poster, only now there are more explosions behind me!

Still rocking the profile on the poster, only there are more explosions behind me!

I’m still really cool but now I’m all about showing my detachment and isolation by rock climbing alone in the desert with no rope and growing my hair long so it can swing around me in slow motion whenever I engage in gun fights or eye sex with strange attractive women, who I then sleep with and send into the psychotic villain’s fortress. I run through so many explosions because maybe I put her in harm’s way, so I need to endanger myself with more slow motion gun fights and explosions and motorcycle/helicopter chases. And we live happily ever after, with our hair.

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Nope, looking left is definitely better.

Let’s try looking left this time.

I don’t even remember the chick from before, because now I’m totally, 100%, for real out of the field, and engaged to a different chick who is totally in love with me, but she can never know the truth about what I used to do, but that’s totally healthy, because we’re so in love. Damn it, the girl I mentored has been killed and I have to go back in the field!!! This is so unexpected! But because this chick I’m engaged to is wondering about my sudden emotional distance and my long, unexplained absences, and narcissistically thinks that my inability to tell her about anything going on in my life has to do with our upcoming marriage and my commitment issues, which I totally don’t have, despite everyone I’ve ever cared about dying or betraying me, as my one friend is going to do in a few scenes, I’m gonna totally reassure her by marrying her before going on a life-threatening mission. But I’m not gonna tell her anything, she’s safer not knowing, and if I vanish and just never return, at least she won’t think it had anything to do with HER, because I totally married her first. Oh man, that bad guy SO did not kidnap her and kill her in front of me, I am so pissed. Oh wait, she’s not dead, but he did kidnap her, so I’m still pretty pissed. Good thing my abducted wife knows nothing about my secret life, so rather than having information that could be tortured out of her she is just completely in the dark. It’s safer that way. She’s so cool and capable, because she electrocutes me to short out the charge in my head that would kill me, and then because she’s a badass nurse she totally CPRs me back to life. Let’s live happily ever after!

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2011)

Psych! Straight on, baby. Deal with it.

Psych! Straight on, baby. Deal with it.

I am alone. I’m in Russian prison and my hair is long again. I’m so alone. They broke me out of prison, but these IMF young, punk kids don’t know anything about my tortured soul. They say they’re sorry my marriage didn’t work out. They don’t know anything. The world is in peril and all I have to work with are these punk kids, and this desk agent. Stupid desk agent, so usele- Whoa! He has totally un-desk agent like skills! We all have our secrets. Let’s overcome our demons and save the world. Mission accomplished! You punk kids are pretty cool after all. We saved the world with the power of teamwork. Let’s be a team in the next film too, unless they decide to cast someone else, in which case, it was nice working with you. Comic relief guy, you’re probably safe, but random chick, you are so generic that they could replace the actress and keep the same damn name and probably no one would even notice. I doubt anyone even knows your name now. Hey young desk agent, reveal to me that you are responsible for my wife’s death, which I totally already knew, because secret agent, and that the guilt over the death of an innocent has kept you out of the field ever since. But don’t worry about it. My wife totally isn’t dead! We faked her death so I could keep her safe forever, and only ever see her from a distance, because that’s totally healthier! So since she isn’t really dead, you should come back to the field. Because this prolonged psychological experiment didn’t reveal that you aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with collateral damage inherent to our line of work. Because my wife isn’t really dead! Awesome, have fun rebooting the series when I got tired of making absurd amounts of money!


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