Sabrina (1954) rating: NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER, NO, VOMIT

Why do I keep watching Sabrina? I fucking hate Sabrina. Just because I love Billy Wilder, Humphrey Bogart, William Holden, and Audrey Hepburn, and whenever I hear the name or see the poster my brain assumes it’s one of those classic films I love, every time I actually watch it or even actively think about it, my brain begins to vomit.


It is a misogynistic story about three unlikeable people forming unhealthy relationships, generally with people much younger than them. Sabrina is the daughter of the chauffeur to a rich New York business family, and has harbored a lifelong crush on the younger son, playboy David (William Holden). The film opens the night before she is supposed to leave for Paris to attend cooking school, and the night of a large family party. She watches from the bushes as David romances an attractive and giggly party guest. She is so distraught that she tries to kill herself, leaving a note specifying that David not be invited to the funeral, as he probably wouldn’t even cry. Just in case we thought this was a healthy, mature infatuation. She doesn’t die, goes to Paris, learns to cook, and doesn’t get over David. When she returns to New York, she meets David, and since she is now all sophisticated and mature he doesn’t recognize her and asks her out, (forgetting the fact that he is engaged to a woman whose father is participating in a major business merger with David’s older brother, Linus). Linus is not pleased with David’s shift of affection, and when Sabrina refuses to be bought off to leave David alone, Linus decides to woo her himself, propose that they go to Paris together, and then send her on her merry way alone, while he returns to managing his successful business. So let me reiterate; David is a playboy who has been married three times before, is currently engaged, and attempting to seduce a much younger woman who has admitted to loving him her entire life. Linus is a calculating business man who is also attempting to seduce a MUCH much younger woman, who his brother claims to be in love with, with the express purpose of sending her to Europe to leave his family alone.

So the story unfolds. Sabrina is confused by her conflicted feelings, but ultimately admits to Linus, who has been ALL OVER her, that she loves him.¬†Sabrina doesn’t forget David because she’s realized what a terrible, feckless, womanizing creep he is. NO. She just moves on to his arguably worse older brother, who isn’t deluding anyone except Sabrina about his intentions. So yes, she falls in love with Linus, who at the last minute feels bad about what he’s doing to her. Not bad enough to do anything different, mind, just bad enough to tell her that he was never going to be on the boat with her. Crushing her hopes now, instead of tomorrow. Good man. But wait…is Linus actually in love with Sabrina? Yes, he must be, since he punches David when David insults her. Wow, it must be true love. And Sabrina takes him back. I hope you’re very happy together.

Linus, you can’t kiss your brother’s girlfriend by saying “It’s all in the family.” Fuck you, Humphrey, that is not cool man. “If I were only ten years younger…” No man, try fucking thirty years younger. You are more than twice her age. You were born in the 1800s. She is younger than Lauren Bacall. NO.




1 Response to “Sabrina (1954) rating: NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER, NO, VOMIT”

  1. 1 Jonathan Dasani January 8, 2013 at 5:13 am

    Yes, I hated Sabrina and I’m glad I wasn’t the only one grossed out by the age differences.

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